Believe It or Not!

Before I started this blog, I was a contributor to one that eventually died a natural death.  However, let it not be said that I don’t favour the reusing of material.  After all, it’s not like any of you non-existent readers ever saw that original blog, right?  In any event, this was probably my best attempt at comedy writing, so I hope it at least gets a chuckle out of you:

The following are all true. A team of scientists, researchers, historians, and other specialists have spent their lives verifying these claims.

Believe it or not…

…the modern flush toilet was popularized by a man named Crapper! Thomas Crapper was head of a London plumbing concern that bought the patent rights from Albert Giblin and proceeded to market the device to great success!

…Michael Jackson owns the publishing rights to all of the Beatles’ songs! In 1984 the ATV Corporation, then owner of the rights, sold its 4000 song catalog for $47.5 million! Although Jackson owns the publishing rights the estates of Paul McCartney and John Lennon still receive their songwriter’s share of royalties!

…Life Savers candy are so named because its inventor’s daughter choked to death on a solid mint! Clarence Crane created the holed candy to allow choking victims to breathe even when the candy is lodged in their throat!

…while it’s untrue that Richard Gere was once admitted to a hospital with a gerbil stuffed up his rectum, it’s true that he prepared for his role in Pretty Woman by repeatedly soliciting prostitutes! He was eventually arrested for this behaviour but the studio arranged to have his record and the arresting officer “disappear”!

…Marie Antoinette was the first to discover cold nuclear fusion! In 1788 she described the process in her journal, calling it “an astounding discovery” with “far-reaching implications”. Unfortunately, all her papers detailing the process was lost in the chaos of the Revolution!

…Nostradamus’ mistaken prediction of a Saxon reinvasion of France in 1889 was actually supposed to read 2009 and was due to a mathematical error! An enigmatic figure known only as “Charles the Commander” shall rescue France in her darkest hour. Modern translations indicate that “Charles the Commander” actually means “Charles in Charge”; the French government has already secured Scott Baio in a secret bunker in Provence to await the fated day!

…Albanians are born without a heart! The exact process is a secret, but it’s known that they must grow one from the seed of a camphor tree and water it with tears from a heartbroken crocodile. Only by tending the tree can they learn to love, though the heart itself must be installed by a qualified cardiologist!

…most people are aware of prima nocta or “first night” from the Mel Gibson movie Lethal Weapon 2, but in real life medieval lords actually performed the act of ultima nocta or “last night”! This was the right of the nobility to enact sexual congress upon persons right before or right after they die. It grew out of fashion in the mid-1700s, primarily because the practice was scientifically proven to be immoral!

…Abraham Lincoln was a secret practitioner of Zhaquan wushu, while his rival, Gen. Robert E. Lee, appropriately enough studied Hung Fut Pai, a southern style of kung fu! During the Battle of Gettysburg the two dueled in an abandoned barn a scant 30 miles from where the great conflict raged. Upon defeating Lee the Great Emancipator emasculated his enemy with his bare hands. For the rest of his life Lincoln would always keep the trophy in a jar close at hand, though he would only show it to his closest associates!

…the secret society of Alamut (more commonly known as the Assassins), generally believed to have been destroyed in the 13th century, actually survives to the present day through a process known as Photosynthesis!

…the U.S. Supreme Court decision on Kelo v. New London extended the definition of eminent domain to “physical property on one’s person being underused or not generating enough tax revenue where such seizure is for the public purpose”! This means the U.S. government is now authorized to take into possession any citizen’s heart, lungs, spleens, etc. if it can demonstrate that such organs are underutilized and its seizure can serve the public good!

…the newest science of eschatology describes the study of the LiveJournal postings of Jennifer Eschat of St. Paul, MN, greatest of all modern thinkers! Stanford University has already begun offering a bachelor’s degree in eschatology and has plans to expand the program into graduate-level studies!

…the Jesuits are the literal Army of Christ! Ignatius Loyola, their founder and the first General Superior, started the society after dreaming of Christ and him on a beach with a varying number of footprints. His Spiritual Exercises actually contain cleverly concealed lessons drawn from history’s greatest battles, and more are added after every century. The ubiquitous schools are essentially indoctrination centres where the most promising are trained in the military arts. When the final trumpet is sounded the Societa Jesu will take up their swords and cruise missiles and charge the army of the Beast written of in Revelations, who, in a surprising turn of events, will turn out to be Scott Baio! Baio will by then have wrested control of the International Civil Aviation Organization and filled it with his most loyal and battle-hardened cronies. He will only be defeated by the pure love of an Albanian. The last war will begin in the tenth year of the reign of Jennifer Eschat Caesar!

…formica was developed as a cheaper and more reliable substitute for mica, the most widely used electrical insulator of the time!

Since you read all the way to the end, you’ve proven yourself worthy, and may now watch the video you were probably Googling for when you clicked on this post by accident:

I wonder why the Greatest American Hero has the symbol for China on his chest.  In any event, I think the definitive version was by George Costanza:

Religion update!

Richard Dawkins is full of shit: David Sloan Wilson calls Dawkins “just another angry atheist, trading on his reputation as an evolutionist and spokesperson for science to vent his personal opinions about religion.” Burn! (via Framing Science)

Pope to Protestants: Drop Dead. Pope Benedict XVI (nee Cardinal Ratface) says other Christian denominations aren’t true churches because they won’t do what he says.

Catholic School Opens Gates to Hell: Better start praying, the Rapture is coming!

Left Behind still sucks. I have no link, it’s just common knowledge.