Heather Mallick admits she writes for obnoxious, mumbly weirdoes

You may think I’m overstating things with that title, but check out what she wrote about the “Don’t tase me” guy in her column (emphases mine):

After the incident became public, there was a wave of blaming the victim. Meyer was loud and obnoxious, and deserved what he got… As anyone who gives and attends public lectures knows, there are always audience members at Question Time who hog the microphone, who don’t ask a question but deliver a statement of their own beliefs at great length, who mumble and miss the point. This is a given at public events. When it happens, I remain polite and answer as best I can.

I don’t have the man electrically shocked, mainly because this is the type of person most likely to buy my book at the end of the reading. But also, it’s just not done, in the same way that one does not use the same toothpick to repeatedly dip one’s shrimp in communal sauce; it’s not hygienic. It may be thrifty, it may even be harmless, but it is beyond the pale.

So there you have it, the type of people who buy her books are those who deliver rambling commentaries about secret societies during the question and answer portion of a lecture. The “unmedicated conspiracy theory nutjob” is a pretty strange audience to go for, but I guess writers really do have to find their niche and stick with it.

New Mount&Blade!

Modern PC games tend to be bereft of any startling innovation. It’s to be expected, given the large budgets now in existence – but it’s still lamentable. For truly innovative games you have to look outside the already established areas. I guess you can’t get more outsider than Mount&Blade, because not only are its creators not from the established game industry, they’re not even from the United States. Yes, Mount&Blade is actually from Turkey. The development team started off with just one dude and his wife, but now there’s a handful of other people attached, most of them also from Turks. It’s a really neat medieval RPG with an emphasis on historical veracity. The setting is in a fictional land, but the weapons and armour are all fairly accurate recreations of actual medieval items.

When you begin the game you’re plopped in as a virtual nobody in the middle of a gigantic civil war. There’s several different factions, from the pseudo-Viking Nords to the Khergit horse archers. Keep in mind, though, that it’s probably best to hold off choosing a faction until later. Depending on your choices as you create your character, you can either be the son or daughter of a minor noble, the adventurous heir of a merchant family, or an unknown adventurer. These correspond somewhat to difficulty levels, as the one from the noble family starts off with some acceptable equipment and an already established name. To get the full experience, though, I suggest you start off as a nobody. If you’re playing the game right you’ll eventually get called to the nobility anyway. You start off with very little money, so it’s best to earn some either by competing in the arena or buying up goods in one town and carting it to another to sell for a profit. It’s your basic mercantilist system, where if you buy more of an item the prices go up, and if you sell more the prices go down. Once you have enough money you can also buy some good equipment, assuming you haven’t already looted some from the enemies you’ve defeated.

It’s in battle that Mount&Blade really shines. It’s in a third person view, something like a more realistic version of the action in the Dynasty Warriors, or an expanded and actually enjoyable version of the combat in Oblivion. You can choose swords, lances, axes, bows, crossbows, and a whole host of other weapons. You can choose to be on foot or mounted, with or without a shield, with a large band under your command or a small one (or none at all), and all these different choices have their advantages and disadvantages. The violence is rather muted but blood does spurt and there’s something kind of gory about seeing an arrow sticking out somebody’s face.

The newest version is 0.890 and it adds a whole host of new features. The only downside is that there’s also a bunch of new bugs, but the development team is working on them as we speak and will probably release a newer, less-buggy version soon. You can download the game from the Mount&Blade website but the download section still only leads to a previous version. To get the latest, go to here. The downloaded game stops upgrading at level 6; you need to purchase a serial key to go beyond. I’d definitely suggest doing so since the price goes up as the game gets closer to full release, plus you can feel smug knowing you’re helping fund the development of a really cool game.

Update (Sept. 27): Versions 0.891 got released quite recently, followed quickly by 0.892. The Mount&Blade website still only has 0.808 available for download so go here if you want the latest version. I also notice that some people are coming to this page while looking for cracks for Mount&Blade – tough luck, I ain’t giving any. Although I don’t doubt that there’s cracks and CD keys available out there I still bought mine fair and square. It’s a small indie developer and the price is really quite reasonable. For only $22 you get the full unlocked version and it’s still cheaper than the $29 it will eventually cost and it’s better than most of these PC games with million dollar budgets. Really, it’s a great deal. I can understand people not wanting to buy a lemon but that’s why the trial version is available for download.

Fighting over nothing

Huh, I was gone there for a while. I wish I had an excuse but frankly, I don’t. I wasn’t overly busy or the like, I just didn’t feel like updating. To compensate, I offer up this Harper’s article by McKenzie Funk about the Northwest Passage. Well, the actual article isn’t online, it’s in the September issue of Harper’s, but the commentary by Scott Horton gives you a good idea of what it’s like.

(Incidentally, doesn’t McKenzie Funk sound like the name of the missing Canadian member of the Furious Five? As soon as someone invents a time machine and I learn to rap, I intend to go back to early 80s Brooklyn, adopt the name “McKenzie Funk” and have rap battles with the Zulu Nation. I will be billed as “the time-traveling MC.”)

Funk opens with the Canadian military’s show of strength in the North. A war game was held where a U.S. merchant vessel (it wasn’t really, of course) traveling without Canadian clearance had to be subdued. It ended up being slightly ridiculous since the outcome was predetermined, and it’s not as if a shipping vessel has any real means of fighting back. Funk even mentions that the radio operator of the “American” vessel, perhaps trying to add an air of verisimilitude, used a terrible version of what the writer calls a “California surfer accent.” The best lines to highlight the comic aspects of this are actually in the opening:

On the first full day of the sovereignty operation, the captain slowed the frigate and we took out the machine guns and sprayed the Northwest Passage with bullets. It felt pretty good. It was foggy, and the unpolluted water boiled as we polluted it with lead. There was no life we could see, and few waves. The wind was cold, the Arctic Ocean a drab green. There wasn’t any ice. But if there had been ice, we would have shot it.

In spite of how it comes off, the operation was deemed to be necessary by the Canadian government, and for good reason. The melting of the ice in the North will soon make the Passage a viable shipping lane. This route can be faster than through either the Panama canal or round the tip of South America, at least if you’re shipping from Asia to the east coast of America. Funk mentions that a shipping container sent to a northeastern port of America currently takes about $1500 to get there. If the Northwest Passage was used, it would only cost $500. This massive, two-thirds drop in price will have many shipping companies salivating. The only problem (for the Canadian government, that is) is that the US and other nations do not recognize the Northwest Passage as falling under Canadian sovereignty. Instead, they consider it to be an international strait, which definitely peeves off the Canadians something awful. Since a military blockade would be foolhardy for many, many reasons, the only real solution is diplomatic. This can be yet another problem, since American attitudes towards Canada alternate between indifferent and paternalistic. Funk writes about a trip to the policy-making centres of Washington and finding

a capital that was awakening to the security risks posed by global warming, and also awakening, perhaps, to the idea that northern riches could be ours—yet barely connecting the dots between the two. No one really seemed to think that Canada would get in our way. No one really seemed to think that it would come to blows. No one really seemed to think about Canada at all.

Canada and the U.S. aren’t the only nations arguing over the North. Russia, Norway and Denmark (recall that Greenland is Danish territory) also have claims, with the Russians probably the most visible in terms of the international media. Their recent flag-planting stunt definitely drew attention. In some ways, this is actually a good thing for Canada because it prevents it from just being a fight between it and its southern neighbour. All these countries necessitate the use of the United Nations as a mediator, which probably irks the Americans to no end. The most relevant treaty is the U.N. Convention on the Law of the Sea, which highlights just how far the sea is considered part of a country. The treaty says a nation territory extends to within 200 km of their land, though “territory” and “land” are more finely defined in the agreement. This is something of a problem for the U.S. since it never actually signed the Convention (even though it actually helped in drawing it up). After ignoring it for some 30-odd years, the U.S. is now rushing to sign. (To be accurate, Pres. Bush wants it pushed through, but the Republicans in Congress and the Senate consider it a blow against American sovereignty. Will he or won’t he get it signed before he leaves office? Stay tuned to find out.)

So what’s next in the fight over the far north? A sergeant Funk met in the operation highlighted the basic Canadian strategy. Referring to a dispute with Denmark over an insignificant island off the coast of Greenland, Sgt. Strong says, “Just set up a trailer on the island with a couple guys. Give them enough supplies for a six month stretch, then rotate them out and resupply.” (Not an exact quote, I don’t have the article in front of me.) A sustained presence, military or otherwise, is the best way to show ownership of territory. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has committed to the development of a deep-water port in the area, the ranks of reservists in the North are being expanded, and the operation Funk tagged along with is just the first of many. This means that, if you’re ever traveling in the North, don’t be surprised if you turn on your radio and hear a horrible attempt at a SoCal accent. Resist the urge to mock the speaker, as he could well be part of an operation to establish control over a currently useless stretch of sea. At the very least, lay off the moose and igloo jokes.

Bonus: A Boston NPR station has an interview with McKenzie Funk about his article. Listen to Mr. Funk talk about all this stuff while curiously refraining from laying down any mad rhymes.